After his arrest and I cut contact with them I dated a few men. It wasn't fun, they were okay but after a month I was too annoyed with them to keep dating and I broke up with them. I did this about 3 times, the guys were so unmemorable, I can hardly remember their names.
The only "guy" I could bring myself to date was an ftm, and even that had problems. I enjoyed the sex, but the posturing and the strive for masculinity was too much for me, and muscle memory and flashbacks began. Because of this I slowly began to realize that if I was having this many problems with someone that pretending to be a man, that I could never actually be with a man, and really enjoyed women. This wasn't a surprising revolution, I told my partner, that I was a lesbian, and that we needed to break up. She told me that she was having her own problems with her transition and was going to stop and detransition. We decided to stay together.
I could have been simply a "born this way" lesbian, but to say that feels disingenuous. With my past, I have no interest in men, all I have known is violence and pain, and as a class analysis of males, that is still all I see. I can't possibly think of a reason why I would want to be with men. But as someone born in 1990, all I have ever heard is that there was a gay gene, and the digit ratio theory (which doesn't work for lesbians) and that homosexuality was not a choice but something internal.
What that internal feeling was, I still don't know. I am very attracted to other women, but as a kid I was told that women were peers not partners. I didn't see them in any other light so I don't have any stories of "when I was younger, I just knew I was a lesbian because I had a crush on some girl". Really, I was too emotional traumatized from my home life to have a crush on anyone, that trend continued to high school. I also didn't play sports, have short hair, or wear flannel like the born this way narrative says I should have as a baby dyke. The more I hear about the born-that-way theory the more it seems to be based in the brain sex realm of science.
If I am going to stand here and say that brain sex is a sham, saying that same-sex attraction is internal sounds strange.
I was hesitant when I heard of the term "political lesbian", it took lots of reading and conversation. The idea of putting women first, emotionally, physically, and sexually was part of what I was doing already as a radical feminist. It seems counter-intuitive to go out and be a radical feminist activist and still go home to a man. I understand being in a situation where financially you are stuck in a relationship with a man, and I am sure there are a few good men out there. But it seems strange to me that so many of the younger radical activists are straight, and in relationships with dudes, but seem if given the chance would drop their dude and be with a woman. They all were brought up with the born-this-way argument, and like me were never told that there is an option outside of being with men unless you fit the specifications of being born a lesbian.
There is nothing to be gained politically from the born-that-way narrative except acceptance into a rotten system. That is of course what gay men want, rights like all the other men have. But for women it dead ends. If heterosexuality is just a preference like any other, then it's not the structure of women's oppression and there's nothing we can do about it. So, dead end.
What that internal feeling was, I still don't know. I am very attracted to other women, but as a kid I was told that women were peers not partners. I didn't see them in any other light so I don't have any stories of "when I was younger, I just knew I was a lesbian because I had a crush on some girl". Really, I was too emotional traumatized from my home life to have a crush on anyone, that trend continued to high school. I also didn't play sports, have short hair, or wear flannel like the born this way narrative says I should have as a baby dyke. The more I hear about the born-that-way theory the more it seems to be based in the brain sex realm of science.
If I am going to stand here and say that brain sex is a sham, saying that same-sex attraction is internal sounds strange.
I was hesitant when I heard of the term "political lesbian", it took lots of reading and conversation. The idea of putting women first, emotionally, physically, and sexually was part of what I was doing already as a radical feminist. It seems counter-intuitive to go out and be a radical feminist activist and still go home to a man. I understand being in a situation where financially you are stuck in a relationship with a man, and I am sure there are a few good men out there. But it seems strange to me that so many of the younger radical activists are straight, and in relationships with dudes, but seem if given the chance would drop their dude and be with a woman. They all were brought up with the born-this-way argument, and like me were never told that there is an option outside of being with men unless you fit the specifications of being born a lesbian.
There is nothing to be gained politically from the born-that-way narrative except acceptance into a rotten system. That is of course what gay men want, rights like all the other men have. But for women it dead ends. If heterosexuality is just a preference like any other, then it's not the structure of women's oppression and there's nothing we can do about it. So, dead end.
Queer theorist like to talk about "heteronormativity" but that is not the issue or the problem. The problem is that heterosexuality is a political institution that organizes male access to women. Acting as if lesbianism is an exclusive club, accessible by birth only leaves all other women slaves to men by birth. Again, dead end. As if women are biologically compelled to be subordinate? What kind of a movement can be built from there? It's ideologically closed to change.
I have heard many people say the reason they don't like the idea of homosexuality as a choice because those who oppose and discriminate based on "morals" say it is a choice. Well, they are also those that are looking for a gay gene to spare children from being born-that-way. People who oppose homosexuality as a moral objection will always counter it with something. I think it speaks more to say, "I made this choice. I like women, and I want all my energies to go to women. Why the fuck would I want to be with men?"
That idea is political lesbianism. There are women I know who date women, but still put their energy towards men, and keeping men happy. They aren't political lesbians. These are often the same women who say, "If I could choose to be straight I would!" well, there is nothing that is stopping you from being with men if you feel that way. Again, I couldn't see any reason why I would want to be with a man, women are amazing.
I have heard many people say the reason they don't like the idea of homosexuality as a choice because those who oppose and discriminate based on "morals" say it is a choice. Well, they are also those that are looking for a gay gene to spare children from being born-that-way. People who oppose homosexuality as a moral objection will always counter it with something. I think it speaks more to say, "I made this choice. I like women, and I want all my energies to go to women. Why the fuck would I want to be with men?"
That idea is political lesbianism. There are women I know who date women, but still put their energy towards men, and keeping men happy. They aren't political lesbians. These are often the same women who say, "If I could choose to be straight I would!" well, there is nothing that is stopping you from being with men if you feel that way. Again, I couldn't see any reason why I would want to be with a man, women are amazing.
